sorry for the delay

after much chastising, i feel inclined to update this long overdue blog. perhaps it would be easier just to do it like this ...
recent feelings/emotions/thoughts:
*unhappy with myself physically - reason I started working out
*feeling a need to connect back to SGI and my buddhist practice
*for important things, I don't reach out to people, instead I go inside myself and think I can do it without help
*worried about my car
*miss Japan like crazy
*want to feel special and it's controlling the way I act
*need to make money and stop spending it - although i have bills to pay
*sleeping too much, wondering why I can't wake up early
*boys are stupid as always, that or the way I react to boys is stupid as always
*want to be passionate about something, want to have something that I connect to so much that I can't live without it, strange, but I want to feel that vulnerability
*working on improving myself - don't want it to be a quick fix (although I would like my car to be a quick fix)
*worried about the future even though I have a plan, don't know if it will work out
*but most of all, I feel numb about most things, feel like I'm not really here or there ... hmmm

so yeah, that's what's been going on in my head ... for those who have read my journal this is to show that I too am not perfect and am messed up in the head :-P and no, this will not include a rasberries to you or 30 minute sitcom ending ... i think i'm ready to explore myself for all the good and the bad, can someome tell me how to do that?