be the change you wish to see

i used to be optimistic and positive. now im optimistic and negative. no matter what i read, or watch, or hear im driven by the need to find the faults in it. very rarely do i feel the need to find what's good about it. perhaps because i never used to be able to determine something's faults. i felt i couldnt think critically and accepted everything blindly. now that i reject accepting everything blindly, i have somehow equivicated critical thinking with fault finding. i can feel that negativity in my life and im done with it. im tired of not being able to find the positive anymore. babysteps. the other night while reading the gosho i came across something i actually liked (a lot) and realized that when i study, it is crucial to find what is good about something and if im going to find fault then i must offer recommendations for improvement.

jealousy is also creeping up in me and i dont understand why. relationships are different with different people and that's that. i cant want more than what i have if i dont put the effort in.

i feel as if im actually getting over him yet at the same time, strangely still drawn to him. why? i dont think it would ever work and theres no chance if i never tell him how i feel/felt, whatever this is.

i think deep down im scared of commitment, scared of being with someone ... and yet that feeling, that need to have someone, that need for physical contact comes and consumes me momentarily.

must challenge to wake up early and make the cause!