it's extremely windy

communication is good ... very, very good. why is it that i can communicate very comfortably with some and others, eh, not so good? thanks bam bam for today. even through all the changes and unexpected emotions, i will always be there for you and i hope you will always be there for me.
i really enjoy my classes this semester, especially close relationships ... i find the topics from that course popping up in conversation every day. although time management is an issue. i really love sleep, but im also trying to work out regularly, work for phat vu (who sang opera during grading today, strange man), do all my homework, and develop sturdy spiritual foundation. talk about hard and the temptation to be lazy. must not fall into temptation.
a recent issue ... over-analyzing. why do we do it? i mean i have an idea of why, but i mean why do we do it? it is so silly. what is the evolutionary benefit from over-analyzing? talk about trying to see signs where there are none just because im lonely. then again, im very proud of the fact that i think im actually getting over a certain individual. as you can tell, im not feeling very deep or blog-suave ... so ill save that for another day.

what is a good friend?

how do you reach out to someone when your selfish? how can you care for someone when you want to be cared for? how do you put other people before you when your just figuring out that you have a lot of shit to deal with and don't know how to do deal with it?
i truly want to care for my friends and family, i want to be seen as someone that people can depend on, someone they can confide in ... i dont want to force it, but i dont know how to do it naturally.

tonight i cried in front of everyone and i dont even know why. i've never had a problem expressing myself, but for some reason i couldnt stop myself when i started telling them something that they hadnt heard from me before. maybe it was because its something that ive just barely admitted to myself and that for the first time in my life i feel like shit and im trying to come to terms with it but i dont know how. im trying to do it by myself, partially because i dont know how to reach out and partially because part if the shit im dealing with is my extreme selfishness and self-absorbency and if i try to reach out then i would feel even more selfish.

questions im asking myself: can you heal yourself without being selfish? can you come to terms with your karma by yourself? can you become a person of compassion only through putting others first? what does it mean to put others first and if you do does that mean you are only bottling up what your feeling and then it explodes again later? i guess because i've never truly put others first, and that im always in some way or manner thinking about me, that i dont know what kind of an impact it can have on your life.

i assumed something tonight that i should not have because i have no idea what they are going through ... i love you

sorry for the delay

after much chastising, i feel inclined to update this long overdue blog. perhaps it would be easier just to do it like this ...
recent feelings/emotions/thoughts:
*unhappy with myself physically - reason I started working out
*feeling a need to connect back to SGI and my buddhist practice
*for important things, I don't reach out to people, instead I go inside myself and think I can do it without help
*worried about my car
*miss Japan like crazy
*want to feel special and it's controlling the way I act
*need to make money and stop spending it - although i have bills to pay
*sleeping too much, wondering why I can't wake up early
*boys are stupid as always, that or the way I react to boys is stupid as always
*want to be passionate about something, want to have something that I connect to so much that I can't live without it, strange, but I want to feel that vulnerability
*working on improving myself - don't want it to be a quick fix (although I would like my car to be a quick fix)
*worried about the future even though I have a plan, don't know if it will work out
*but most of all, I feel numb about most things, feel like I'm not really here or there ... hmmm

so yeah, that's what's been going on in my head ... for those who have read my journal this is to show that I too am not perfect and am messed up in the head :-P and no, this will not include a rasberries to you or 30 minute sitcom ending ... i think i'm ready to explore myself for all the good and the bad, can someome tell me how to do that?